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1. Start with a clean piece of paper. Down the left
side of the page, write numbers 1-10. Now – without stopping to think about it,
fill in this page! Write down the first 10 things that come to mind in response
to this sentence: “I love (my partner’s name) because …“ Set this piece of paper
aside.
2. Now – how about YOU? What do YOU bring to this union? What promises will you
make? Take another sheet of paper, and write ‘em down. Don’t worry about
spelling, grammar, or anything else at this point. Just write down 4-5 things
you want to promise this very special person:
• Do you promise to be faithful with your body as well as with your mind and
heart?
• Do you promise to support your partner even when he/she isn’t perfect?
• Do you promise to share all your resources? Some?
• What about if he/she gets sick? What about if you have a serious fight?
You get the idea . . . what are you promising in this union?
3. Think about the language you will use to claim your partner and name your
relationship. When you introduce your beloved, what words will you use? Husband?
Wife? Spouse? Partner for Life? What energy does each of these have for you? If
you don’t like one for some reason, throw it out. . . but before you start
writing you vows, decide . . . what language will you use? This is a decision
you need to make together . . . so start early, and give this as much time as it
takes.
4. OK, you’ve got at least two pages of writing and one decision made – now set
it all aside. Do something else, preferably with your partner, preferably fun.
Like Christmas trees, weddings get too much “stuff” hung on them. Make yours
beautiful, by stepping aside from the stress for a day or two. Go out and
remember WHY you love . . . go and play.
5. Done that? Now it’s time to make a BIG DECISION. Are each of you going to
write your own vow, or do the two of you want to say the same thing? You don’t
have to, you know – some of the most beautiful ceremonies I’ve celebrated had
each partner saying something different . . . But here’s a trick: If you’re each
creating your own unique vow, why not insert a sentence at the end symbolizing
the fact that you come together as unique individuals, and, without surrendering
your individuality, you are creating a beautiful, shared union. For example:
John, I accept you as my husband.
I Tracy, embrace you, Susan, as my partner for life.
6. It’s time to go back to the papers from Steps 1 and 2. If you’re working
together, have fun sharing those pages. See where you overlap . . . Use colored
pencils or highlighters to mark what you have in common – and make those promises
and statements of love just leap off the page.
7. Now, whether you’re working alone or as a couple, it’s time to prioritize.
Which is fancy language for saying, OK, if I have to cut two of these promises,
which ones will they be? Nibble at your lists, removing things that are just a
little less juicy, until you’re left with three or four things you love . . .
and about the same number of things you promise.
8. Copy these over onto a clean page. (It’s amazing what a difference a clean
sheet of paper can make – trust me on this!)
9. One more question - Will your vows indicate a time frame? Some couples use
phrases like:
“Through all our years, and in all that life may bring us . . . “
“For the rest of my days”
“As long as we both shall live”
Your vow should contain a phrase that indicates the duration of your commitment.
( If you’ve come this far, I hope you’ve decided to promise for life.)
10. Read your vow to a trusted someone other than your partner. How does it feel
to say these words aloud? Have you said anything you’d be embarrassed to say in
public? Any tongue-tanglers? Make whatever changes you need, and then Stop. Feel
good about what you’ve done: You have created one of the greatest gifts you’ll
ever make.
Blessings on you, and on your union!
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