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Your
sweetie has a friend you can't stand, you have relatives your
sweetie considers extraneous, and your mother is making it very
clear she expects an old-fashioned wedding; that is, with all her
friends on the list. Not to worry: Brides and grooms -- and their
parents -- have been battling this one out forever, and no marriage
has been forestalled by it yet (at least, none we know of). Here’s
our guide to making the guest list work:
WHO'S PAYING?
If you're running into conflicts, consider who's paying for it.
Because the bride's parents traditionally paid for the wedding, they
usually determined the number of guests and told the groom's parents
how many people they were allowed to invite. Now that couples are as
likely as not to be paying for their own weddings -- at least in
part -- they often primarily decide how many people to invite and
divide that number between their two families, or by three -- the
bride's parents, the groom's parents, and the couple.
If you go traditional and the parents of the bride are footing the
bill, then you should take their wishes into account and try to
compromise. At a large wedding, a few extra people won't make a bit
of difference. But if your goal is intimacy, stick to your guns no
matter what unholy pressures your family unleash -- especially if
you're paying.
THE FOOD FACTOR
Because food is usually one of the (if not the) largest costs
associated with a wedding, and because catering costs are determined
on a per-person basis, keeping your guest list small is a major
money saver. Depending on what you serve, the per-person cost can
range anywhere from $10 to $200 -- more in large cities for
elaborate affairs. If you like, start by making as big a list as you
can -- the fantasy list. Then get ready to wield the pen as hatchet
and whack that list into shape, cutting ruthlessly until you are
within budget.
THE VENUE FACTOR
Also dependent on your guest list is your choice of
wedding/reception venue. If you have your heart set on a small
country inn but plan to invite 200 people, you can see the problem
it presents. So figure out which is more important to you: more
guests or a specific venue. If you choose more people, find a venue
that will comfortably accommodate them. If venue is most important,
find out how many folks your space will hold and invite accordingly.
HURT FEELINGS
If the issue at hand is the potentially hurt feelings of the
uninvited, remember that remote cousins often feel as indifferent
toward you as you do toward them, and may be happy not to come. The
same goes for distant friends. A wedding is not an excuse to round
up every lost intimate friend you have known since you were 10 --
focus on people who matter now.
YOUR SWEETIE'S FRIENDS
As for friends-in-law you wish you'd never met, start with this
crucial connubial ground rule: You two are separate people with
different tastes. You don't have to like each other's friends, but
hey, letting them share some champagne with you on your big day is
not going to hurt anyone.
1. MONEY TALKS
If you're running into conflicts curbing your guest list, consider who's
footing the bill. Because the bride's parents traditionally pay for the
wedding, they usually have more say over the list. If the groom's side
is paying, flip that. Or, if you're throwing your own bash, allocate a
specific number to each side.
2. SLASH AND BURN
If you like, start by making as big a list as you can -- the fantasy
list. Then get ready to wield the pen as a hatchet and whack that list
into shape, cutting ruthlessly until you are within budget. Reducing the
guest list is the only way to truly cut costs.
3. PICK YOUR PRIORITIES
If you have your heart set on a small country inn but plan to invite 200
people, it's not gonna happen. Figure out which is more important to
you: more guests or a specific venue.
4. BATTLE THE GUILT
A wedding is not an excuse to round up every long-lost friend you have
known since you were 10 -- focus on people who matter now. Don't feel
guilty when you run into someone you haven't seen in years and aren't
planning on inviting to the wedding. Otherwise, you'd be inviting
everyone you've every met.
5. CHILD'S PLAY
If you're having a large number of guests 10 and under, hire a
babysitter to watch kids them during the ceremony (have him or her sit
with small kids in a separate room, if necessary). Or, set up a
children's table or room at the reception, complete with favors,
crayons, coloring books, small toys, and games. Consider hiring special
children's entertainment, such as a caricaturist or clown.
6. HAPPY MEALS
Ask your caterer to prepare kid meals so they don't have to eat -- and
you don't have to pay for -- grown-up meals.
7. CHOOSE YOUR WORDS
If you don’t want to invite kids, make sure the outer and inner
envelopes of your invitations are addressed in such a way that it's
clear children aren't included ("Mr. and Mrs. Arthur Anderson" as
opposed to "The Anderson Family"). If anyone RSVPs with their kids
anyway, it's okay to call and gently explain your preference.
8. TAKE A SEAT
When it comes to seating guests at the ceremony, the general rule of
thumb is one usher for every 50 guests.
9. TALKATIVE TABLES
Want to ensure you've created perfect, party-friendly tables for your
guests? Here are some things to consider: Put people with similar
interests and of similar ages together; put an even number of guests at
each table (people tend to pair off in conversation so you don't want to
leave anyone out); and put the dance lovers near the dance floor --
they'll get the party rocking.
10. STICK TO A SCHEDULE
One of the simplest, most useful things you can do for out of town
guests is provide a wedding itinerary. After sending out your
invitations, mail guests an additional clever, elegant, or interesting
communiqué with a complete rundown of the events leading up to and
following your walk down the aisle. You can also create a wedding web
page for an easily referenced one-stop-shop for guests to check up on
everything you have planned.
11. SET THEM UP
Recommend different places for guests to stay. Look for locations near
your ceremony and reception sites, and start calling around about six
months beforehand to check on large-scale availability for the days
surrounding your wedding, and to inquire about special group rates.
12. SHOW YOUR APPRECIATION
Comfort the jet-lagged and travel-weary with a little something left in
their hotel rooms. Imagine their delight -- walking into their temporary
living quarters to discover a basket of fresh fruit, a bouquet of
flowers, a tin of local chocolates, or a bottle of chilled bubbly.
13. ABIDE BY A BUDDY SYSTEM
Out-of-town guests who are traveling alone? Create a buddy system.
Appoint a kind, willing family member to welcome the guest to
town and offer his phone number for questions. Your buddy probably won't
get woken up at 4 a.m., but the knowledge that he's there should help
nervous travelers. |
