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So you've met The One -- you laugh
at the same jokes, you love the same books, and you don't wrangle over the
remote. But what if your parents don't feel the same warm and tingly
affection for your sweetheart? "It's usually difficult to form a
marriage with someone your family disapproves of," says Jacqueline
Schatz, Ed.M., a New York City psychotherapist. Our advice? Don't get
defensive -- light up your peace pipe and try these five ideas to bring
the most important people in your life together before the big day.
1. GET THE FACTS
Shoot straight: Ask your family members why they disapprove. Open
discussion can defuse a volatile situation, and their reasoning may
surprise you. Perhaps they misunderstood something your future husband
said, or perhaps they've misinterpreted your soon-to-be wife's shyness.
Let them know how much you love your mate and they may try harder to
accept your sweetie into the extended family.
On the other hand, remember that they want the best for you and be open to
the fact that people in love (and lust!) sometimes choose to ignore their
partner's faults. Have an open mind and be certain your feelings ring
true: "Some people feel the only way to become independent is to form
a solid partnership outside their family," says Dr. Schatz, "but
it's more important to become independent before choosing a
partner."
2. SHOWER THEM WITH LOVE
Show your family that you care about them. They may worry that you're
leaving them behind and may feel jealous of your spouse. After all, your
married status may mean you won't make every Christmas gathering. They'll
see less of you and you'll have new priorities. Make sure your parents and
siblings still feel cherished and irreplaceable in your life, and they may
learn to love your spouse.
3. ROLL WITH THE PUNCHES
Don't take everything your relatives say at face value. According to
Miriam Arond and Samuel Pauker, authors of
The First Year of Marriage (Warner Books), "Everyone's feathers get
ruffled when there's a change in the family. So don't harp on insults made
in the heat of the moment." Wait until family members chill out
before asking about stressful moments. They may realize their words were
hurtful and think before they speak next time.
4. ACT FAST
Don't wait too long to address the issue. If it takes years to broach your
spousal choice with your parents, it may be too late. Once a behavior
pattern or opinion has been established, it can be difficult to change.
And be sure to broach issues as they arise, or your resentment (and your
spouse's) may build to such levels that the familial relationship will
never be mended.
5. STAND BY YOUR MAN
Whatever happens, stay committed to your spouse. "You should listen
to everyone else's concerns," says Dr. Schatz, "but ultimately
it's the two of you who will spend your lives together. Your commitment,
mutual respect, and ability to communicate will help you surmount any
difficult family situation." Present a united (yet friendly) front,
and you'll find the road a lot less bumpy.
Good luck!
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