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One moment you're on Cloud 9,
sharing the news of your engagement, savoring every juicy detail of the
proposal, then boom -- you look up and your best friend/brother/sister --
or single mom! -- looks positively ashen. Suddenly your feelings of pure
elation curdle into muddled guilt. Some women are amazed to find their
friends turning into catty competitors, goading their boyfriends
into proposing, too, and trying to outdo your every wedding move.
Florence
Isaacs, author of
Toxic Friends/True Friends: How Your Friends Can Make or Break Your Health, Happiness, Family, and Career (William Morrow & Co.),
has some answers
and advice.
WEDDING FEVER
"Envy is a perfectly normal emotion but weddings kick it up a
notch," says Isaacs. "There are few people out there who don't
want to find a great partner and have a great marriage. Women who have
waited in vain for their boyfriends to propose, and older or single
friends who don't have a lot of positive things in their life at the
moment are especially vulnerable to feelings of jealousy and
possessiveness over your friendship.
"Even married friends can seethe over the fact that you've
booked a more expensive reception hall or more exotic honeymoon than they
had. Siblings may resent that you're getting married first or perceive
that Mom and Dad are contributing more money -- and attention! -- to your
affair than they did to theirs."
ENGAGEMENT GUILT
Brides-to-be have more than just raging reactions to contend with.
"Most women have terrible trouble with the fear of envy,"
continues Isaacs. "We shy away from talking about successes because
we want to be liked, to be one of girls. And sadly, there's good reason to
reflect: Insecure people do reject others who remind them of something
they don't have."
Feeling mad at yourself for being happy or for changing the terms of your
friendship is a natural reaction, but the onus of attitude change lies on
the other person. Always remember that their jealousy is a reflection of
what's happening -- or missing -- in their lives. (And their
possessiveness can actually reveal how much they value your friendship!)
WHAT'S A FLUSTERED FIANCE TO DO?
"The issue is whether the person who is jealous can acknowledge and
accept that she or he feels envious and not let it get in the way of your
friendship," says Isaacs. "There's a big difference between
feeling envy and acting on it. Hopefully, the person can 'fess up to these
very human feelings [of jealousy or fear of losing your friendship] and
focus on your happiness in the months to come."
And when they
don't? Follow Isaacs' 10-step plan to building a stronger friendship despite
jealous vibes:
1. DON'T BE SHY
"You have the right to be excited and share your happiness with
people important to you," stresses Isaacs. "Never hesitate to
share good news with a good friend -- especially that of your engagement,
one of the most important events in your life! Not doing so plays into an
unhealthy situation and will ultimately damage your friendship."
2. DON'T PLAY DUMB
Acknowledge that your friend is jealous. Not sure? When you talk about
your wedding, do you feel guilty or does he or she act rude, dismissive,
or bored? Assuming that you're not talking about the big day 24/7, trust
your gut reaction. Good friends should be affirmative, not negative.
3. EDIT YOURSELF
Speaking of wedding talk, don't overdo it! Remember that even people happy
for you don't want to hear about every little detail -- yawn! Divert
conversation to what's going on in their lives and be a riveted listener.
4. CONFRONT THE PROBLEM
If someone makes a nasty crack about your plans, Isaacs advises that you
respond to the slight right away by gently asking, "What do you mean
by that?" Another tactic is to tell the person how you feel with
statements such as, "I'm confused why you said that" or
"I'm hurt that you see it that way." Isaacs advises that you
focus on how you feel, not on what they did.
5. SHARE THE SPOTLIGHT
There are as many reasons for siblings to get bent out of shape as there
are families, but sometimes the problem is simply that your parents are
perceived to be ignoring the sibling that is jealous and slathering all of
their attention and bragging on you. Acknowledge this inequity by saying,
"I realize I'm getting a lot the attention and I hope it's not
bothering you." If the sibling is married, point out that he or she
has had the spotlight; for those that haven't yet made the trip down the
aisle, reassure them that their time is coming! Either way, turn to your
siblings for advice in dealing with family dilemmas and be sure to spend
quality playtime with them sans mom and dad.
6. STROKE THEIR EGO
When a person is jealous, she or he craves acknowledgement. Your mission?
Play to the person's strengths. Remind them (often!) of all their positive
qualities and accomplishments: great job, dynamite figure, whatever.
Better yet, ask your friend for advice in his or her areas of expertise.
If your workmate has a great fashion sense, tell her you'd love her
opinion on your dress. If your brother's a savvy globetrotter, pick his
brain about destinations and travel tips.
7. SHOW YOUR LOVE
"When envy gets out of control, it's because people feel empty,"
says Isaacs. "Reminding them of their value helps combat that
feeling." Make sure your friends get the message loud and clear that
their friendship is extremely important to you. Tell them how much
happiness you wish for them and, if single, try to assure them that their
perfect partner is out there somewhere.
8. BE HUMBLE
While you're stroking his ego and showering her with love, don't forget to
share your own wedding-related woes: arguments with your fiancé,
etiquette blunders, cold feet, and in-law conflict, for example. Even if
you're ecstatic despite it all, "Sharing vulnerabilities and mistakes
bonds people," explains Isaacs.
9. GET IT OUT IN THE OPEN
When push comes to shove, acknowledge the awkwardness between you and your
friend. Perhaps open with something like, "I wonder how you feel
about my getting married?" or "I feel awkward about this
situation because we've always shared our dreams about getting married…I
wish this could be happening to us both at the same time." Never say
that you know how he or she feels (you don't) but opening the door for a
friend to vent can ease a lot of pressure.
10. INVEST IN THE FUTURE
Slot a singles table into your seating chart and ask your friend to help
you fill it -- positioning him or her between two sexy singles is
obviously the game plan! Why not? Lots of people meet their spouses at
weddings. After all, love is in the air.
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