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You've got the ring, you've set
the date, and now the two of you are headed towards happily wedded bliss.
Everything's perfect, right? Not always. While there certainly are
exceptions, some brides find that their grooms aren't interested in
planning the wedding itself. As I've heard one groom say, "I don’t
want a wedding. I just want to be married!" If your groom isn't
helping like you feel he should, these are some tips for dealing with his
lack of interest.
Dealing with Your Emotions
Our wedding day is the most important day of our new life together, but
he doesn't care! Does this mean he doesn't love me?
Not at all! It's natural for you to wonder if your fiancé's lack of
interest in the wedding means he doesn't care about the marriage, but
there are many reasons why he may not be interested in the planning.
In our current society, men are not encouraged to help with the planning.
Wedding magazines are focused on the brides, with only the occasional
short article on how the groom can help. Weddings may seem like a private
girls' club for brides, their mothers, and their bridesmaids. It may be
hard for your fiancé to get past this stereotype and become involved.
He may also be afraid of ruining the wedding day by making a mistake in
the planning. If he thinks that it's important to you to have a perfect
fairy-tale wedding, he may assume that you can make the better decisions.
As my husband said, "most guys don't think about their weddings as
children . . . and come in with a feeling of guilt/alienation and would
rather let the bride do it her way and stay out of the way."
Changing the Girls' Club into the Couple's Club
I can't do all the work on my own. How can I get him to help me, even a
little bit?
If you would like your future husband to be more involved in the wedding
planning, there are some approaches you can take. The most effective way
to get him involved is to talk to him. Find out his reasons for not
wanting to participate, and see if you can come up with your own strategy
for planning the wedding together. These are some ideas to start that
process:
- Get him to help with the things that interest him. Find out which
aspects of the wedding intrigue and interest your fiancé. If he's not
interested in an activity like choosing the bridesmaid dresses, he may be
interested in something else like researching DJs, writing the vows, or
choosing the ceremony readings.
- Try to make the tasks less intimidating for your fiancé by narrowing
down the options. For example, go to several stores looking at all the
invitations, and decide on three or four that you really like. Then, bring
him in to help with the final decision. Once you get him in the store, he
may surprise you and want another option entirely, but the main thing is
that you have made the planning process less overwhelming.
- Once the two of you have decided how he's going to be involved in the
planning process, make a physical list of things your fiancé is
responsible for doing. On this list, include which tasks should be
priorities, and when certain things need to be done. For example, indicate
that he needs to get his friends' addresses for the invitations by May 1,
while he can wait until June to buy the groomsmen's gifts. This list will
remove the pressure of remembering details, and you can always turn to it
in the case of a dispute.
- Above all, show your fiancé that his opinions matter. You may need to
compromise on your own vision of the day, but weddings celebrate couples,
not just brides. If his sole opinion is that he doesn't want to help with
the planning, you may need to accept this. Just remember that there isn't
one specific way to plan a wedding, so however you negotiate this issue
will be right for you.
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