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Almost every couple, prior to
getting engaged, has suffered through some minor conflicts or squabbles.
That’s okay, he still asked you to marry him. So the two of you can
handle anything, right?
But what happens when you face a seemingly unsurpassable disagreement
during your engagement? Oftentimes, stress from wedding planning and
families can cause mid-engagement crisis that the couple has never faced
before.
Is this the End?
The gut reaction to a major mid-engagement conflict may be to call off the
wedding and part ways. He just will never understand you; and he doesn’t
even make an effort. She just doesn’t care about your feelings; why
should you marry a woman like that!
Even in the heat of anger, however, every couple needs to remember that
with marriage will come conflict. The engagement period can be looked at
as a “trial-run” to marriage. If you give up now, without an attempt
to resolve the issue, you can be assured that any marriage you enter into
in the future will be doomed to a similar fate.
Now is the time to learn and grow with your partner.
Identify the Issue
The first step in resolving a major mid-engagement conflict is to identify
the true issue. This may take a little time and a lot of soul searching.
Spend a day apart and agree to spend time pondering the true reasons for
the conflict. Talk to a trusted confidant, but don’t seek advice from
every person you know. These people are only remotely involved and may not
understand what is truly happening. Or you may “slant” the information
in your favor unintentionally because you have not had a chance to think
it through completely.
Don’t get caught up in details; focus on the true issues. For example,
he forgot to mail the invitations, pick up the marriage license, and pay
the deposit for the caterer. The true issue could be that you feel he
doesn’t recognize or acknowledge that which is important to you.
Be prepared to compromise or admit fault on your own part. Do not go into
the discussion with the attitude that it is entirely your partner’s
fault. This will only him to become defensive and no resolution can come
from that. If you admit your own vulnerability, your partner is likely to
do the same.
With your hectic schedule, maybe you forgot to mention that you would lose
the caterer if the deposit was not in by the deadline. Understand that
simply asking your partner to do something does not always convey its
importance. What is obvious to you may not have been so obvious to him.
Don’t be afraid to admit that you assumed he would understand
this was top priority. By reaching a compromise and identifying each
person’s fault, you are more likely to resolve the issue and not make
the same mistake in the future.
Seeking Professional Help
Sometimes, trying to talk through the conflict only makes it worse. This
is often because of a communication problem that a professional can help
you to identify.
In the past, seeking professional help from “couples therapists” or
psychologists was looked down upon. The reason went: if you are having
such a difficult time during your engagement that you need a therapist,
then how can you have any hope for your marriage.
This type of thinking is outdated and can be destructive to your
relationship. Oftentimes, an inability to communicate is at the heart of a
couple’s disagreement. Neither partner intentionally ignored or
neglected the other. Perhaps one person is not properly communicating that
which he is thinking. Or the other person is hearing something other than
what is being said. If only the couple could properly communicate and
receive the information, they may be able to easily resolve the issue.
This is where a professional therapist can offer assistance. If you still
feel uneasy about this option, try viewing it as “preventative”
medicine. Learning communication skills now will not only help to resolve
the current conflict, but it will teach the couple valuable skills so that
they may keep their marriage happy and healthy in the future.
Some differences truly cannot be resolved, and a break-up is inevitable.
But by working through the above steps first, you can at least separate
knowing you made every effort. You will not have to wonder “what if we
had worked on it.”
This article originally appeared .
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