Ah, engaged life. Fancy parties in
your honor, a legitimate excuse to plunk down thousands for one dress. You
never expected the downside: hissing at each other in bridal registry
departments, screaming matches over guest lists. The engagement period can
be a minefield of hot topics that can trigger huge blow-outs -- sometimes
a seating plan is not just a seating plan.
“Planning the wedding is a trial run for your future marriage. The
things you battle about now are clues to where you’re going to have
trouble in the future,” says Tina B. Tessina, psychotherapist and author
of True
Partners: A Workbook for Building a Lasting Intimate Relationship.
Here’s what lies behind the most common pre-wedding blowouts and how to
resolve them.
BATTLE ONE: FAMILY
“His family’s guest list is getting longer and longer every
day, and they are not even chipping in for the wedding.”
Tessina warns that this particular argument is “a prototype for
future financial dealings.” Her advice: Be businesslike. Say to your
beloved groom, “This is what your family’s guest list will cost,
this is what my family’s guest list will cost. What can we do to
limit the cost? Will your family chip in?”
Dr. Patrick Gannon is a licensed psychologist in private practice and
the co-creator (along with his wife, Dr. Michelle Gannon, also a
licensed psychologist) of Marriage Prep 101, a course designed for
engaged couples. He suggests that there may be more here than meets
the eye. “Always be on the lookout for conflicts like these to be
about ‘hidden issues.’ Are either of you sensitive about issues of
fairness or balance? Does one of you have a greater sense of
obligation to your parents that the wedding be a certain way?”
BATTLE TWO: GROOM’S INVOLVEMENT
“He doesn’t even seem to care about the color of the table
linens -- what is he, insane?”
Tessina warns that you could be expecting too much: “He’s a man.
Most men are clueless when it comes to design and decor.” This
doesn’t mean that you should give up on including him, however.
“Find out what he is interested in and encourage him to
participate in that part,” she says. Dr. Michelle Gannon concurs,
and adds, “Make sure there are not any underlying issues; say that
he feels he should defer to you because ‘you are the bride so it’s
your day’ or he feels that your parents or his parents are
interfering with the wedding plans.”
BATTLE THREE: MONEY
You are spending big bucks on your dress; he wants to spend some of
that cash to go to Bora-Bora on the honeymoon.
This time, Tessina is not on the side of the bride. She asks, “What
entitles you to spend big bucks on the dress? This needs to be an
equitable deal. At least the honeymoon is something you’ll both
enjoy. Sit down with him, like two adults, and work out the finances
of the wedding together.”
BATTLE FOUR: RELIGION
“Why isn’t he making an effort to understand my traditions?”
Patrick Gannon advises first being sure that the groom understands
what is expected of him -- the poor guy may not even know that you
want him to learn about your traditions. Gannon suggests that this
topic may even bring the two of you closer and says, “If handled
calmly and sensitively, a discussion like this can be an opportunity
to get to know yourself and your partner better just by getting clear
about what these traditions mean and say about each other.”
BATTLE FIVE: AESTHETICS
He wants dark green ink; you want pale green. He wants candles on
the tables; you think they look silly. And so on.
“So,” comments Michelle Gannon, “you wanted your fiance to be
more interested in the wedding details. Now you have a more involved
groom, and a new problem. Both of you need to share the power and
decision-making regarding wedding plans.” She has a plan to
accomplish that: “Decide on priorities by having each person rate on
a scale of one to ten the importance of each detail. Remember, it is
good practice to learn early on how to prioritize, negotiate, and
compromise. These skills will come in very handy later on.”
BATTLE SIX: TERRITORY
“Why does he think we should be married in New Jersey just
because we live here? We need to be in South Carolina with my family.
His relatives can fly in from Ohio.”
“Ask that question for real, not just rhetorically,” suggests
Tessina. “Why does he want to get married at home? Maybe having
friends at the party is more important to him than having family.
That’s a reasonable want. Perhaps you can scale things down and have
a wedding at your family’s home and a party in New Jersey.”
BATTLE SEVEN: FRIENDS
“For his best man, he picked his jerk of a college roommate, who
is only intent on getting my fiance drunk at our wedding.”
It’s time to be both supportive and sensible. According to Tessina,
“He and his former roommate may have a strong bond -- just make sure
there are some more reasonable men around them to keep a lid on
things. Arrange with your brother or a male friend to befriend your
fiance and help him resist the ploys of the best man.” Patrick
Gannon recommends sharing your anxiety with the groom, so you can
handle the situation together. He says, “If the best man has a
drinking problem, the groom might address his concerns directly to the
best man before the wedding.”
BATTLE EIGHT: BRIDEZILLA
He says, “Who is this detail-obsessed, wedding-magazine-reading
woman and where is the girl who used to sit with me watching baseball
and drinking beer?”
Drop the Martha act now. Your guy may have a point. “He’s
right,” says Tessina. “If the wedding has become more important
than your relationship, that’s a warning sign. Yes, you want a
lovely wedding, but not at the expense of your relationship. After
all, what’s the point? Keep your future in mind.”
BATTLE NINE: PRENUPS
“Why is he so intent on planning our divorce when we aren’t
even married yet?”
This could be a blessing in disguise, according to our experts. “If
you pay attention, the prenuptial agreement can be as big an asset for
you as it is for him,” says Tessina. “It’s another way to
discuss essential financial issues before you commit. Naturally, the
prenup brings up more than just finances for many couples. “This is
usually experienced as an emotional issue between the couple, often
involving feelings of trust, commitment, and faith in each other and
the future of the marriage,” says Patrick Gannon. “Don’t let
this issue remain unresolved, because it can erode the love you have
for each other.”
BATTLE TEN: THE PAST
He is good friends with an old girlfriend and wants her to attend
the wedding. You wouldn’t mind if she were dead.
Tessina minces no words on this topic. “Oh, grow up. You’ve
already won this battle -- he chose you. Don’t mess up things now by
being petty and jealous. Those are not becoming traits. Befriend her,
get to know her, and you may like her yourself. Invite her to help
with a shower. If you’re too insecure to do that, perhaps you should
re-think getting married. You may not be ready.” Michelle Gannon
points out, “You two need to discuss how involved ex-girlfriends and
ex-boyfriends are going to be in your life together.”
