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You've found the perfect
spouse-to-be: sensitive, cute, and all about you -- you and his or her
kids, that is. That's right; your honey has children from a previous
relationship, children that will be playing a very big role in your life
if the two of you get married, especially if (yikes!) this parent has the
kids fulltime and not just every third Saturday. Before taking that
life-altering plunge to be married with children, here are eight things to
think about.
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT KIDS?
Some people just don't like kids, and those people just shouldn't be
around them -- especially not in the role of parent. If you've always
known you never wanted children, remember that and give yourself time to
rethink what you're about to do. If you do generally enjoy children, then
the issue to consider is whether you like your sweetie's kids. It sounds
cruel but it is possible to have irreconcilable differences with children,
especially when they're not your own and if they scowl at you all the
time.
HOW DO THEY FEEL ABOUT YOU?
Divorce is hard on kids, but remarriage can be even harder. Most children
feel at least a bit jealous when Mom or Dad finds another partner, and
they often fear losing their parent to this outsider. Sometimes they think
you're trying to replace their own parent and that, out of loyalty,
they've got to be chilly. These are totally normal emotions and can, with
good communication and frequently therapy, be overcome. The harder reality
is when the kids profess to hate your guts -- as they often do -- and
threaten your potential partner with threats like choosing "me/us or
her/him." Other thwarting behavior can include a child perpetually
pitting the two of you against each other, say by telling your sweetie you
said he could have a third peanut butter cup (when you most certainly did
not) or telling the other parent bad stories about you that are usually
either flat-out not true, out of context, or just plain exaggerated. Three
words of advice on how to handle these situations: communication,
communication, communication. Don't forget you're both on the same side.
"Kids can be very successful saboteurs," says Dr. Larry Nadig, a
family therapist in Glendale, California. "If you know ahead of time
this is going to be an obstacle, I suggest therapy. Sometimes, though,
it's not resolvable."
HOW WILL BEING A STEPPARENT CHANGE YOUR LIFESTYLE?
Enjoy going to clubs at night or even to an R-rated movie once and a
while? Well those and a lot of other things might become difficult, if not
impossible, when you suddenly have kids in your life. Find out exactly
what the custody situation your partner and his or her ex have arranged,
and consider whether the time you both will have with the kids is doable
for you. Part-timers may find having kids around every other weekend
palatable, but babysitters are heaven-sent for full-timers. If that's you,
make sure your honey has at least one trusted caregiver on standby, or
find one or two on your own so you both can go out alone once in a while.
HOW MUCH RESPONSIBILITY WILL YOU HAVE?
Find out how much your partner will expect from you as a parent. Will he
or she want you to get up in the middle of the night if someone has a
tummy ache? Will you be expected to cook every night for the whole clan;
read to the kids at bedtime; discipline them when they give the cat a bad
haircut? Then again, your partner might want all the parenting
responsibilities. However, leaving you with no responsibility or authority
to make decisions can be bad as well.
CAN YOU HANDLE YOUR SPOUSE HAVING A RELATIONSHIP WITH AN EX?
Knowing you're your partner had someone else before you is bad
enough, but having to tolerate a continued relationship, whether it's
friendly or just businesslike for the kids' sake, is downright
gut-wrenching. Think about whether you'll freak out if the ex calls on the
phone, or if you find out they sat next to each other at the kids' holiday
performance. Constantly accusing your partner of wanting to get back
together with the ex or not speaking to him or her after a joint
parent-teacher conference are also no-no's. Remember that this person is
committed to you now!
CAN YOU DEAL WITH NOT ALWAYS BEING #1?
Everyone has this idea that at least the first couple years of marriage
will be a honeymoon...just the two of you and all your love. When your
spouse has kids, that period ends as soon as the honeymoon does (assuming
you get to go alone!), and then it's reality central. Often instead of
gazing at you over a candlelit dinner, your spouse is forcing Johnny to
finish his spinach. When you want to go to that couples' resort in
Bermuda, your partner might suggest Disney World, for sake of the kids.
Your new spouse might even hold little Susie's hand instead of yours as
you're all walking down the street. In order to make it work, you've got
to be flexible and sane enough to realize just how much your honey loves
you -- no matter how much he or she also loves the kids.
DOES YOUR SPOUSE WANT TO HAVE MORE KIDS?
There's always a chance your sweetheart has had all the children he or she
wants to have. If you want your own kids, especially if that's not
something you're willing to compromise on, find out exactly where your
partner stands on the issue. You may have to pare down your lifelong goal
of three kids to one or two, but hey, if this person is the one, it
might be worth it!
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A helpful
book on this subject, which Amazon describes this way:
Practical,
realistic, and upbeat advice--from sharing a bathroom to initiating
conversations--for people who "inherit" children along with a
new spouse. The success or failure of a stepparent to bond with
stepchildren can make or break a new marriage. But this book has a
refreshing message--it is possible to achieve long-lasting, rewarding
relationships with your new children.
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