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To produce a good marriage, you have to work at it. As the saying goes, the
only place you find success before work is in the dictionary.
Here are some things you can do to help build a strong marriage.
1. Watch Your Relationships
To preserve your determination to make your marriage succeed, don’t get too
close flirt with members of the opposite sex. If you do, in the back of your
mind, you might begin to view them as alternatives in the event that your
marriage doesn’t work out. This will weaken your resolve. After all, why
work so hard when you have an escape route? Also, these types of close
relationships are likely to make your spouse feel threatened.
2. Pay Full Attention
Listen to your spouse when he or she talks to you. It’s a sign of respect.
Try to give him or her your undivided attention. Also, nod in agreement
occasionally. It tells your partner you’re listening. If your spouse talks to
you when you’re in the middle of something important, say so, and suggest a
time when you’ll be able to pay full attention.
3. Share Enjoyable Activities
Do fun things with your spouse. Exercise together, take leisurely walks, or
share a pursuit that’s mutually enjoyable. Such activities strengthen your
relationship and make it easier for the two of you to endure the hard times
that come in every marriage.
4. Learn from Your Experiences
Learn from the past. For example, if you find that you’re often tense when
you’re very hungry, minimize your conversation with your spouse during those
times. Similarly, if you see that your spouse gets worked up whenever you
mention the name of a certain relative, don’t mention that person’s name
unless absolutely necessary. Try to learn from the past.
5. Be Polite
Be courteous to your spouse. When speaking with him or her, use phrases such
as “please,” “thank you,” “would you mind if I....,” and so forth.
It will make your spouse feel appreciated and respected.
6. Never Say "I Told You So"
Remove the phrase "I told you so" from your lexicon. Saying these
words only causes ill will between you and your spouse. People say this phrase for two reasons:
1) to show off that they were right, and 2) to get their mates to listen to them in the future.
What they don’t realize is that the message that comes across is,
“Aren’t I smarter than you?” which is insulting.
When you’re proven right after an argument, your spouse will realize this on
his or her own. There is no need to point it out.
The poet Ogden Nash wrote the following poem to encourage people to act this
way:
To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the wedding cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.
7. Don’t Keep Score
Don’t walk around with a watchful eye making sure your partner carries his
or her share of the workload. Instead, take the view that it doesn’t matter
if you end up doing more than half of what has to be done. Making sure your
relationship stays fifty-fifty will put so much tension into your marriage
that it’s not worth the effort. So unless your spouse is very lazy or a real
responsibility shirker, don’t keep track of who does more.
8. Watch Out for the Little Things
A family court judge once commented that in 99 percent of the divorce cases he
presided over, the couples were upset about very small matters. Here are some
of the types of complaints he was referring to:
· “She never lets me leave the window open at night.”
· “He always wears that loud shirt that embarrasses me.”
· “She never replaces the toilet roll when it’s finished.”
· “He always leaves his socks on the floor.”
These small matters can be very detrimental to a relationship, so watch out
for them.
There is, however, a silver lining to this cloud: Just as little things can
ruin a relationship, they can also build one. A brief call to ask how your
spouse’s day is going can make a big difference in his or her feelings
toward you. Remembering your mate’s birthday with a little gift can mean a
lot. Even just bringing your partner a chocolate bar or a novel you think he
or she will enjoy can mean a great deal, because it shows you care.
Women in particular often need small but frequent gestures of love.
9. Greet Your Partner Happily
Smile at your mate when you greet him or her. It will make your spouse feel
appreciated and loved. Even if you’re in a bad mood, be sure to flash that
grin. It’s a small investment that can go a long way.
10. Respect Your Spouse’s Privacy
Don’t go through your partner’s things out of curiosity or in an effort to
make them look neater. Privacy is a fundamental need all humans have, so be
sure to respect it.
Similarly, make it a habit not to repeat your spouse’s words to others. You
never know what your mate wants kept secret.
11. Set Boundaries Respectfully
When you want to refuse your partner’s requests, do so in a quiet yet firm
way. For example, suppose that your spouse wants to talk to you about a
non-pressing matter at a time when you’re busy with something urgent. A
soft, yet assertive “I can’t talk nowI’m in the middle of something”
will save you from having to raise your voice.
Learning to talk respectfully but assertively will reduce the decibel level in
your home, and it will prevent many disagreements from snowballing into major
conflicts.
12. Be Loving
Be affectionate. Open up and express with words your love for your spouse.
People need to feel loved, so be sure your mate hears these words often.
13. Don’t Compare
Don’t compare your partner to others. There is always someone else who will
seem better than your spouse in some way (until, of course, you’ve married
that person). So save yourself misery and avoid comparing.
14. Verbalize Your Needs
Don’t expect your partner to read your mind. Instead, verbalize your needs,
and give your mate a chance to respond.
Knowing that Howie often liked tea in the early afternoon, Susan asked if he
would like her to make him some. To be polite, he replied, “No, don’t
trouble yourself,” even though he would have loved a cup just then. Susan
was very busy at the time, so since Howie told her not to bother, she
didn’t. Howie then said to himself, “If she really cared about me, she
would have made me that tea. She must have realized I was just trying to be
nice when I told her not to bother.” Clearly, Howie does not communicate his
desires well, and expects Susan to read his mind, which is really asking for
trouble.
In the following statements, the speaker is verbalizing his needs to prevent
feeling hurt afterward.
· “Next week is our anniversary. I know I’ll be hurt if we don’t go out
to dinner or do something else to celebrate it. So could we please do
something like that?”
· “I need more displays of affection from you throughout the day smiling at
me more, talking to me more softly, maybe telling me ‘I love you’
sometimes. I don’t know why, I just need it. Could you do this for me?”
Being so direct in asking for what you want might not seem as romantic as
having your partner intuit your desires, but it’s a lot better than feeling
disappointed and getting into fights!
15. Don’t Criticize in Public
Be careful not to criticize your spouse in front of others. Doing so will
embarrass your mate and will weaken the bond of intimacy in your relationship.
Criticizing your partner in the presence of your children is equally bad since
it can cause your kids to disrespect your spouse.
16. Be Careful With the Kids
Don’t allow your children to disturb your marital harmony. Here are two
things you can do to help ensure that this does not happen:
· Give your spouse priority over your kids. When each competes for your time,
put your mate first as much as you can. Realize that being a good spouse is
probably the most important role model you can give your children.
· Don’t make your spouse into the family police officer. Avoid saying
things such as, “Wait ‘till your father comes home!” or “We’ll see
what your mother says to that!” Your partner will not appreciate having to
be the disciplinarian in the family because you’re not strong enough to
discipline your children yourself.
17. Watch Out in the Beginning
Be prepared for problems in the beginning of your marriage. Statistics show
that the first year of marriage is the time couples are most likely to
divorce, followed by the second year. So don’t put yourself under too much
stress during those two years. This is not the time to start your own business
or change careers. Instead, remove as much outside strain from your life as
possible so you can focus your energy on working out whatever problems arise
in your marriage. You and your partner have to learn to share a life together,
and that’s not an easy task.
18. Minimize Monetary Conflicts
Disagreements about money issues are among the most common causes of conflict
among couples. In fact, when the Association of Bridal Consultants asked
newlyweds to note which topic caused their most serious arguments during their
first year of marriage, 67% said it was how their money should be
spent.
If you find yourselves arguing over money, work out a system the two of you
can live with.
Here is how two couples worked out their money matters.
Brad and Jennifer have three separate checking accounts: one for him, one for
her, and a joint account. When they get their monthly paychecks, they deposit
these into their separate accounts and then contribute an agreed-upon sum to
their joint account. Every time a bill comes in for a shared expense such as
the mortgage or the electric bill they pay it from their joint account. When
they want to save for the future, they both put equal amounts into a joint
savings account. This system works for them because they’re each willing to
pay a bit more than their share to preserve marital harmony. For example, if
Brad thinks that Jennifer is on the phone a lot one month, he doesn’t ask
her to pay most of that month’s phone bill. He knows the bill is small and
that it’s not worth risking a potential argument over it. And when Jennifer
sees that Brad makes a ten-minute overseas call that she feels is unnecessary,
she says nothing for the same reason. Thus, although they set up a 50-50
system, each has an attitude of ignoring the little things even if that means
their relationship may in fact be 40-60 or even sometimes 30-70. They realize
that in fighting for a perfectly fair system, they’ll lose more than
they’ll gain.
Kevin and Laura have a joint checking account into which they deposit their
monthly paychecks. They worked out an arrangement whereby each may spend $100
a month on anything they want without consulting the other. Although Kevin
earns more than Laura, and thus might deserve to spend more than she does, he
realizes that she does more of the housework, and therefore agreed that they
could spend equal amounts.
19. Have Conflict Resolution Time
Set aside time to work out the problems that keep recurring in your
relationship. This should be a time when both of you are relaxed and willing
to discuss these matters. Otherwise, the issues might arise at times when you
may not have the patience and goodwill necessary to deal with them.
20. Look for Solutions
Focus on finding solutions to your problems. Here are some examples:
· If your mate complains that you’re making too much noise, don’t argue
back and say it’s not true. Instead, find ways to lessen the noise, such as
by being quieter or moving to another part of the house.
· If your spouse likes to leave clothing on the floor, don’t go on the
attack and call him or her a slob. Instead, look for a solution. For example,
offer to put a box on the floor in the corner of the room where your partner
can leave the clothing.
If you concentrate on finding solutions, you’ll avoid many conflicts.
21. Be Forgiving
When you’re upset with your spouse, be forgiving. Realize that we all have
flaws, and that each of us makes mistakes occasionally. It’s part of being
human.
Think of all the mistakes you’ve made in the past. Since you can forgive
yourself for all of those misdeeds, it’s only fair that you be able to
forgive others for theirs as well.
Realize that when you forgive your partner, you’re not saying that what he
or she did was okay. You’re saying that you choose not to let it get in the
way of your relationship.
A wise man once said, “Marriage is three parts love and seven parts
forgiveness.” Love by itself just won’t cut the ice.
22. Minimize Criticisms
Minimize the number of times you criticize your spouse. Marriage researchers
Clifford Notarius, Ph.D., and Howard Markman, Ph.D., say one put-down can
“undo hours of kindness you give to your partner.”
So look the other way as much as you can. If you feel your mate’s behavior
is only slightly wrong or will probably not recur in the future, ignore it.
You’ll save yourself many needless quarrels.
It’s been said that the difference between a successful marriage and a
mediocre one often consists of leaving about three or four things a day
unsaid. Keep that in mind the next time you want to criticize your spouse.
Definitely keep quiet if you think your partner knows he or she did something
wrong. For example, if your wife breaks a dish or your husband has a
fender-bender, it’s not necessary to say, “Be more careful next time.”
Your mate realizes that already.
23. Correct at the Right Times
If you feel that you must criticize your partner, make sure you’re calm
before you begin speaking. When you’re upset your words may come out too
sharply.
Similarly, don’t rebuke your spouse at a time when he or she is under
stress. Your rebuke will probably not be heeded at that time anyway, and you
may provoke a major battle. Have patience and wait for the right time.
24. Forget “Always” and “Never”
When your mate does something wrong, don’t exaggerate the offense. For
example, if your husband often leaves a mess in the kitchen, don’t tell
yourself, “He always leaves a mess for me to clean up!” If your wife is
frequently late, don’t say to yourself, “She is never on time!” Thinking
in exaggerated terms is a bad habit. Not only does it make you more angry,
it’s probably also untrue. It’s unlikely that someone always leaves messes
or is never on time.
So don’t let yourself think this way. Replace words such as “always” and
“never” with words like “often” or “sometimes.” You will feel much
less angry inside.
25. Don’t Give Up
Realize that even in the best marriages couples sometimes have conflicts. The
“happily ever after” ending so commonly found in our films, theater and
literature is not true. A realistic portrayal of a good, happy marriage is one
in which two people sometimes argue but are able to work out their differences
peacefully.
So if you and your spouse are not getting along well, don’t give up. Try to
work on your relationship.
Guidelines for Arguing
26. Stay in the Present
Don’t raise past misdeeds to score points. It’s not fair to throw back at
a person an old incident, something that occurred months or even years ago. If
you do, your partner is likely to resent you for it, and you’ll create much
ill will. Instead, stick to the issue at hand.
27. Watch Your Behavior
Monitor your behavior when you argue. Don’t get violent or use sharp
language. You can never go back in time and undo what you say or do, so be
careful. Realize that a few moments of physical roughness or harsh words can
seriously damage your relationship.
Keeping yourself calm will help you control your behavior. One easy way to do
so is to take a few slow, deep breaths every few minutes.
If you find that you still can’t control your words, be silent until
you’re more relaxed.
28. Take Time-Outs
Be sure to stop a destructive exchange of words. When your partner gets beyond
the point of being civil and rational, or when you see yourself beginning to
act in a destructive manner, put an end to the discussion. Say something like,
“Let’s continue this conversation later.”
But if it’s an important topic, don’t just drop it. Be sure to raise the
subject again at a time when you’re both more relaxed.
If you wait until you’ve calmed down, you’ll be surprised at how much
easier it is to work out your disagreement.
29. Keep Up Your Responsibilities
No matter how angry you are with your spouse, don’t stop doing what you’re
expected to do. If you’re the one who cooks the meals, continue making those
meals. If every Sunday you give your partner two hundred dollars spending
money for the week, continue doing so. Don’t change your behavior. it will
make your fights much worse. Make a rule in advance with your mate that the two of you will continue your responsibilities no matter how angry you are
with each other. And if your spouse refuses to keep such a rule, at least you
keep it. When your partner sees you doing so, he or she will eventually follow
suit.
30. Seek Outside Help
If disagreements with your spouse are interfering with the harmony of your
marriage, don’t be afraid to seek outside help. Couples therapy has greatly
improved many marriages, and is certainly worth trying. Just make sure to find
a therapist who’s been trained in counseling couples.
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