|
He's talking about the honeymoon
benefits of Cancun
versus St.
Thomas, but the only trip on your mind is a big guilt trip. Ever since
you started planning your wedding, you've had this nagging guilt: about
ignoring your gal pals to plan, about how much cash this affair is costing
dear old Dad, about having to cross your best friend from third grade off
the guest list. If this sounds familiar, don't worry -- you're not the
only to-be-wed wrestling with these dilemmas, especially if you're the
bride.
Guilt can really get in the way of a good relationship (and a good time).
And because women are more likely than men to feel guilty (women are
socialized to "take care" of things -- and people -- and tend to
blame themselves if things go awry or feelings are hurt), it's likely that
many other brides-to-be feel the same way.
"Women have expectations and standards as they come into adulthood,
from watching Martha Stewart make her own wrapping paper to having mothers
who didn't work away from home full-time," says June Price Tangney,
Ph.D., a professor of psychology at George Mason University in Fairfax,
Virginia. It makes sense that an impending wedding only magnifies that
gender gap, leaving your groom wistfully worrying only about what SPF to
pack for the honeymoon while you let every little decision eat away at
you.
As much as we all like to think otherwise, brides often play the larger role in
wedding planning (and the wedding itself), so they've got more to be
concerned about than their grooms. "The wedding thing as a whole is
more important to women because the bride usually plays a larger role in
the event," says Gail P. Robinson, Ph.D., past president of the
American Counseling Association in Alexandria, Virginia.
Of course, it is your big day, and it's understandable if you cramp a few
nights' sleep doing your best to make everyone happy. But if guilt is
consuming your life, you need to reassess what you are taking the blame
for. Prioritizing your concerns, what you can fix, and what you should
just forget about will make the days from now until your wedding night run
much more smoothly. Added bonus: Doing so can have a residual positive
effect on the rest of your life. Remember: no one is
perfect - and that includes you.
It's not easy to let guilt go and get on with things. "Guilt is one
of the toughest things to shake," says Dr. Robinson. "It's all
wrapped up in our sense of self."
Guilt is often tied to self-esteem, the need to be liked, the need to
please others (parents, future in-laws, guests), and fear of rejection,
says Patricia Averill, Ph.D., a psychologist with the Harris County
Psychiatric Center in Houston.
Take guilt over a too-short guest
list, for example. Before you start maxing out your credit cards to
add more reception seats, sort out your motivations for doing so. Dr.
Robinson suggests asking yourself if you feel guilty because you can't
afford to spend what you think a "good" person would spend
(and/or what people will expect), or whether you're merely
disappointed because a shorter and less-expensive guest list means not
being able to invite sorority sisters you haven't seen in years. If you
realize it's the latter, make changes -- such as springing for a buffet
instead of a seated dinner -- to accommodate more guests at a similar
price. If it's a matter of how you'll be "seen," recognize that
there are some acceptance issues going on here, and remember that the
person you most need to please when it comes to your wedding is you.
Others are important, but not at your own expense -- mental or otherwise.
Next, talk about it. If your to-be can't comprehend why your stomach is
tied in knots over this stuff, try to articulate why having a large group
of friends and family at the wedding is important to you and why you
really want to find a way to have everyone you want there without breaking
the bank. Ask him to help you brainstorm some solutions.
Once you've explained to your sweetie what's making you feel so bad and
you've talked through some options together, take control: Act on your
decision to cut costs or actively decide not to feel guilty. Assuage
yourself by calling left-out parties for a catch-up chat or inviting them
over or out -- let them know that they continue to be an important part of
your life.
Reward yourself by taking a time out from all this wedding stuff and
focusing on some serious
play. And whatever you do, don't feel guilty about indulging
yourself for a change! |
