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Think counseling is just for people
with problems? Think again. According to a study by the University of
Denver's Center for Marital and Family Studies, nearly one-third of all
couples undergo some kind of premarital counseling -- and as far as we're
concerned, you've got nothing to lose, everything to gain.
"There's a movement to provide marriage-building skills," says
Michele Weiner-Davis, a marriage and family therapist in Woodstock,
Illinois, and the author of
Divorce Busting: A Step By Step Approach To Making Your Marriage Loving Again. "Being in love and staying in love is
an ongoing process; it takes maintenance. You'll strengthen your chances
of staying together if you learn the skills needed."
This is especially relevant in today's climate; with divorce so prevalent,
many couples don't have role models to follow. "Love doesn't conquer
all," says Weiner-Davis. "There are people who study what it
takes to make a relationship work. Why not benefit from what they
know?"
TIMING IS EVERYTHING
Pre-wedding counseling has one distinct advantage: Learning how to
communicate and work through problems is a lot easier before rather than
after the wedding. Once you're married, you both already have unspoken
expectations for each other, never mind the often wacky ideas you got
growing up about what married life should be like. Before marriage,
you're still in a building stage -- the expectations are there, but it's
easier to be open about the issues that threaten difficulty. And by
learning how to talk through differences, you will form good habits that
will carry you through the years.
There are several ways to tackle this sticky subject. You might decide to
visit a psychologist or marriage and family therapist to thrash out issues
that plague you. But you may not even have to go that far: Most houses of
worship require to-be-weds to participate in counseling sessions before
they'll let you march down their aisles.
That was the case for my husband and me. Our priest asked us to sign up
for Pre-Cana, the Catholic version of premarital counseling. And what I
originally imagined as a gorgeous spring day wasted indoors became an
incredibly useful tool that we still rely on today, after almost three
years of marriage.
During an all-day session, we were encouraged to talk about subjects we
hadn't yet examined very thoroughly -- children, our feelings about
religion, setting lifetime priorities. Through the process of answering
"test questions," I felt like we were simulating a lifetime of
events before our life together even began. Now, when crisis arises, I'm
more confident and have a better sense of how and why Matt might react,
because I have a better idea of how he thinks.
Liz Paone, a Pittsburgh bride, also counts her experience as a positive
one. "The retreat sponsored by our church confirmed what I already
thought I knew about my fiancé, which was reassuring. The counselors
proposed topics that you probably wouldn't otherwise address until a
situation was staring you in the face. It was like practice. We answered
questions in essay format, then compared notes. Amazingly, we agreed on
almost everything."
OUT THE ISSUES
Counseling can help you recognize where your partner stands on a variety
of topics, and where his or her priorities lie, which will confirm your
sense of yourselves as a couple -- or, in some cases, open your eyes to
the fact that you might be making a mistake. "The exercises were very
revealing," Liz says. "In fact, one couple in our group decided
not to get married after the retreat." (A terrifying thought, we
know, but don't let this worry you. If that's what you end up finding out,
you're both going to end up happier in the long run!)
What's there to talk about? Religion, children, finances, habits, and
family issues, among other things. And even if you generally communicate
well, there may be specific issues you'd like some help working through.
Paula Popp, a marital and family therapist in Pittsburgh, counseled one
engaged couple with potential in-law problems: The man wanted to build
their new home practically in his parents' backyard -- his fiancée wanted
more breathing space. They talked to Popp about their ideals and needs,
and were able to compromise by building a home in a nearby community. He
recognized her need for autonomy as a couple, and she understood that it
was important to him to maintain a close relationship with his parents.
FACE THE FACTS
So how do you know if premarital counseling is for you? "It depends
on your existing ability to communicate with each other," says Popp.
"Every marriage presents difficulties and obstacles, and
communication will be what helps you overcome them." If you have
trouble talking through the issues in your lives -- and we mean really
talking -- it's smart to learn how to do it now, when you're engaged.
If your house of worship doesn't provide premarital counseling -- or
you're having a civil ceremony -- call the
American
Association for Marriage and Family Therapy at (703) 838-9808 to find
a certified therapist near you. If you're uncomfortable about professional
therapy or unable to afford it, contact local community centers, colleges,
or universities to inquire whether they offer marriage-building workshops.
FINAL THOUGHT
Weiner-Davis urges couples to look at marriage realistically -- it's not
all wine and roses. "People shouldn't just promise to be together no
matter what. They should promise to work through problems, because all
marriages, even the best ones, will encounter problems."
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