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Why is it that the minute you get engaged well
meaning people from all over the planet suddenly have little "tips" to
throw your way? They range from the benign, "You should wear your hair up.
It looks so pretty that way." To the downright hateful, "You should
lose 20 pounds or you’ll look like the Troll in Shrek". It’s easy to
wonder if people really do have your best interest at heart when they hurl their
unsolicited advice at you from all corners. But there are a few things to keep
in mind before you ban everyone you know from your wedding and change the locks
on your door.
People want to be involved, especially mothers, future mother-in-laws and other
women of the family. A conversation with your father about the wedding may begin
and end with, "How much is this going to cost me?" whereas your mother
will in all likelihood pull out a list filled with detailed questions the minute
you announce your engagement. She’s probably doing this less as a means to
control your day and more because she’s been waiting for this since the day
you were born. Literally. She saw you in your little white receiving gown and
thought to herself, "My daughter, the beautiful bride."
As for your friends, they’re most likely coming from a place of excitement
with maybe just a hint of envy thrown in. If they’re already married they
probably want to recapture some of the excitement of their own planning. They
may also want to warn you away from some of the pitfalls they experienced. So,
your best friend will say things like, "Please tell me you’re not going
to hire a band. Bands are all horrible". Even when she knows full well that
you just booked a band. Is she doing this to make you insane? Maybe, but it’s
more likely that she’s remembering her own wedding and how the band played the
Ally Cat all night until she wanted to cry. She’s just trying to spare you her
agony.
Your unmarried friends may suddenly begin to regale you with stories of every
failed marriage they’ve ever heard of. The Aunt and Uncle that everyone
thought would be together forever: Divorced. Those friends of yours that you all
went to the wedding of last summer: Divorced. It’s possible that your friend
is trying to make you hate her, but more likely she’s expressing her own fears
that she won’t meet the right person, and by downplaying the significance of
weddings in general (including yours) she’s telling herself that it really is
okay that she’s not engaged herself.
So, what can you do to keep your friends and family from driving you mad with
their ‘advice’ and their ‘pointers’? Be honest with them. Tell them that
while their opinion is valued you’d prefer that they keep certain things to
themselves such as their feelings on your weight, your hair and other personal
details of the wedding. Telling you that a white gown will make you look ‘washed
out’ is useless, (unless you were considering burgundy as a back up color,
that is). But telling you that the florist you’re considering has a bad
reputation is helpful. Sometimes people just get so caught up in "helping
you" that they forget which is which.
You don’t want to shut people out completely because then you’ll be missing
out on a valuable wedding planning resource, and your friends and family just
may have some incredibly helpful ideas. But understand that even your most well
meaning friend will at some point or another put her foot in her mouth. It just
comes with the territory when you’re planning a wedding. Realizing that, and
being able to laugh about people’s occasional (or not so occasional) slip ups,
should help to diffuse some of the tension that all of you are bound to feel
from time to time.
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