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When George met Martha, everything clicked. Three months later they decided
to marry and they wanted to begin their life together in a new house. Where, of
course, they would live happily ever after.
There was one problem. George and Martha each had been married before, and
each owned a house full of furniture. Selling the two houses proved to be easy,
as was choosing a builder, a lot and a floor plan for the new nest. Paring down
their belongings and blending them into one household, however, was daunting.
This is not surprising, said Washington psychotherapist Margo Silberstein,
who has worked with couples trying to resolve problems that develop when
blending households. Although deciding where to live would seem to be the
biggest issue in working out the housing logistics of a second marriage, melding
household belongings and deciding what to keep and what to give away can be just
as challenging.
It's easy to get caught up in appearances and focus on what looks good with
what, but on this point Silberstein was particularly blunt. "It's more
important to include things that all partners are interested in than to make it
beautiful. It's important that it not be all hers and leave all his out --
everybody has to be represented. People's histories are connected to their
furniture. If there's a favorite grubby old chair, it's important to bring it in
and not say, 'It looks awful and should be thrown out.' "
Jay Radin, an Ann Arbor, Mich., clinical psychologist who has worked with
couples on the blended-households issue and gone through the blending process
himself, said that before he and his second wife, Mary Waite, started their
sorting, both agreed that their abiding principle would be "to put the
relationship above personal interest."
He said, "It was more important than the furniture or art objects. We
both agreed that it wasn't worth straining the relationship over a piece of
furniture. Which chair or table or lamp to keep meant more to Mary than to me,
so she had the final say-so. But she also understood that I had strong feelings
about a few pieces, and she made an effort to display the things that had
special meaning for me."
If neither partner has a complete household of furniture, the blending is
easier. Lita Dirks, who is an interior designer in Englewood, Colo., said that
when she and her husband, Joe, bought a new house and merged their two
households, neither had everything and there was little overlap.
Where their differences in taste showed up was in artwork. She likes
whimsical art; he likes anything that conveys a sense of the outdoors with a
Southwest palette of oranges, purples and brilliant blues. As they started
buying pieces together, they eventually found a common ground -- in content the
art is whimsical but in colors it's to Joe's tastes.
Because the furnishings of a combined household will probably be an eclectic
mix, a couple or one partner might worry that in keeping everyone happy the
result will look like a mishmash. These days eclectic is in, but Dirks said
picking similar colors for paint, carpeting and drapes and using these
throughout the house, as she did herself, will produce visual coherence.
If both partners agree, reupholstering some of the bigger furniture with
fabrics and colors that complement the ones chosen for the walls and carpets,
which Dirks also did, will help to reinforce the new look and add to the visual
orderliness.
However a couple goes about the sorting, combining and color-picking process,
it speaks volumes about the relationship, Radin said. "If the two people
can't agree, the sorting can turn into a control struggle over who's in charge,
who carries the most clout, who wins and who loses. The inability to cooperate
and solve problems will breed resentment and does not bode well for their future
together."
Even when both partners agree on everything, the logistics can be daunting.
The Radin-Waites started eight months before they got married. Their labors
included making 14 trips to the Salvation Army, giving away stuff to grown
children and filling the garage with what remained.
During the blending negotiations, many couples consult only each other, but
the feelings of the children who are still at home must be factored in. Radin's
son Andrew did not have strong feelings about the furniture, but this is
unusual.
More often, Silberstein said, "the kids have a lot of attachment to
house and place, and they don't want to feel their history is being wiped out.
Since the resentment of kids can sabotage a second marriage, involving them in
the planning is critical.
Even when a couple such as George and Martha plan on a brand-new house the
second time around, they will end up spending some time in one of their old ones
unless they time their marriage to coincide with the completion of their new
house. That's a risky strategy as delays in the completion of a new home can
stretch out for months.
Although it might seem easier to leave everything in place and deal with the
blending when the new house is ready, Silberstein said, it would be a mistake.
If no measures are taken to significantly change the temporary quarters and make
it "ours" instead of "hers" or "his," the new
person can end up feeling like a guest.
Even worse, the newcomer is likely to feel resentful. The house-owning
partner might be unwilling to alter the status quo just because he or she really
likes it. Often, though, the reluctance masks an ambivalence and uncertainty
about the newcomer. This does not augur well for the relationship, either.
While George and Martha understandably don't want to spend much to alter
their temporary quarters, a little paint can radically transform a house, Radin
said. In his case, he and his wife decided that location and property values
dictated staying in his house, rather than moving to her house or a new house.
But to make Waite, an interior designer, feel as if it was their house and
not his, and to satisfy her desire to shape the space, they agreed that she
would paint the entire interior and put her stamp on it. The transformation is
so complete the house is nearly unrecognizable. Radin said he not only likes the
house better, "it looks better than anything I could have done with it
myself."
Summing up, Radin said that for a second marriage, it's best to make a fresh
start in a new house that is not loaded with memories and psychological baggage.
With a new space, both partners are more open to change; even something as
simple as repositioning a living room set to get a new look is easier. But, he
hastened to add, any housing arrangement and any blending of furnishings can
work, as long as it is sensitively approached.
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