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Right now, parents across America
are telling their friends how they can't wait until their children's
wedding is over -- so they can get on with their lives. Trust me on this
-- even though it was a beautiful and happy day, the shock of helping to
plan our son's wedding drove me to question dozens of other mothers whose
sons and daughters have recently married. What I discovered is that we
turn to each other to share our frustrations because we're afraid that if
we talk about it with you, you'll go ballistic and elope or something!
We know you're older and probably more educated than we were when we
married. When our generation started marrying, many of us headed for the
altar directly from college or even high school graduation. But one thing
you and we have in common is an enduring principle that spans the
decades: "Thou shalt be sensitive to the wishes of your mother and
father."
If you look at your wedding through "mom-and-dad glasses" (rose
colored or not), you'll clearly see some truths you can count on:
Behind the scenes, they're going ballistic too.
You know (probably better than anyone) that your mom (and your dad,
too) has a lot of opinions about what your wedding could be. So
be brave and ask about the reasoning behind her suggestions. Face it,
she's interested in a whole lot more than the flowers. "Keeping
her busy" isn't going to block out her memories about how you
treated her during your wedding daze. And giving her tasks that you
need help with, that she's good at, will give her good
Mom-memories.
On behalf of parents everywhere, and in their own words, I'm here to
let you in on five major things your parents wish they could say to
you -- the issues they really want to talk about. Check out what some
brides and grooms have done -- could this be you?
WHO SAYS YOU'RE ENTITLED?
First things first: If we (bride's or groom's parents) pay for the wedding, or
help you pay, be thankful. Do not expect this as your God-given
right. Here are a few families' experiences with this topic.
Mom Karen objected to footing as large a portion of the bill as her
daughter wanted her to. The bride's response? "But, Mom, you have
to pay for it. We have to start saving for our retirement." 'Nuff
said.
"Hey, Mom, Adam and I are getting married. You'll pay for it,
right?" said 21-year-old-Jeannie. Her parents, Gloria and Dan,
were furious - and hurt - when she chose this opening to announce
her pending nuptials. Gloria says, "We always figured we'd pay
for it. But Dan is crushed by her taking our generosity so for
granted, and now he's pretty much staying out of the whole
thing."
TAKE CARE OF BUSINESS
Keeping us in the loop may actually help you out -- we often have good
suggestions that you might not have thought of. Also remember that we
have a few wedding needs that you may need to address, too.
"Oops" wasn't the response Mom Eileen wanted when she
asked her son if he'd reserved the rooms for their out-of-town family
and friends. She had to spend two desperate days spent rounding up
short-term rental apartments for the otherwise homeless guests.
To keep costs down, Dick and his bride only hired the photographer
for a certain number of hours on their wedding day. If given the
opportunity, Dick's mom Margaret would have suggested that the couple
ask a friend to take extra candids.
IT'S OUR PARTY, TOO
It's your day, and you should ultimately do it the way you want. But
no matter what you think about it, it's a fact that your wedding day
is an important part of your our life as well as yours. You might not
always think we're being reasonable, but talk to us about we
they feel - and think about whether we may actually have a point
every once in a while.
When Annie, the bride-to-be, announced, "I only want people I
know at my wedding," Mom Jane quietly ignored her daughter. She
understood Annie's intent to make it a personal event, but Jane felt
that having her close friends there would make it personal for her,
as well - and felt she was entitled to that.
Mom Jean couldn't convince daughter Monica that new friends from
around the water cooler at work might overload the guest list to the
exclusion of close family and friends. Eventually, Jean blew her top
and yelled, "Who should we take off the list? Grandma or Cousin
Eddie?"
DON'T MAKE MAJORS OUT OF MINORS
In other words, if certain things are going to placate us without
taking too much skin off your nose, it's in everyone's best
interest to just go with it. Often, we're completely fine with what
you're planning; we just want to be considered in the decision-making.
Dad Jim moans because his daughter and her fiance want to serve
vegetarian fare at the reception. "Eat tofu for all I care,"
he wishes he could complain, "but serve my friends meat and
potatoes."
Mom Caroline wishes her son had interceded on her behalf with his
opinionated bride-to-be. One of her typical pronouncements was,
"Tell your mother I don't want cake served at her luncheon. It
will compete with the one my mother chose for the real reception in
New York."
HOW ABOUT A LITTLE KINDNESS?
Don't lose sight of everything -- other people's feelings, et. al. --
because it's your wedding day.
Mom Ellen is still hurt years later because her daughter, Peggy,
shopped for and bought her wedding dress without ever inviting her
along.
Mom Joan bit her tongue till it bled. Her new daughter-in-law
insisted on a 60-minute photo session while the guests stood and
waited. Only then were they allowed to throw rice, as the bride and
groom drove off in their vintage auto. The bride's rationale?
"It's my day; I can do anything I want."
As you can see, there's a lot of stuff happening behind the scenes
here, and there are probably similar situations with your family. But
what's really going on? I think it's just a simple lack of
communication. A family's way of coping with controversy may have been
problematic way before wedding planning began, which makes dealing
with the big day even more complicated. Larger, underlying issues have
a funny way of sneaking into every discussion.
Granted, you're not the only ones responsible for the lack of truth
being spoken or for solving all your family's problems. But if you
just know that your parents are holding back, you can ask how
they're doing. Go ahead and engage all those great virtues they taught
you. Be at your perceptive, sensitive, loving best in these
pre-wedding
months.
We parents understand that there's no intentional malice in what you
do or say while you're planning your wedding, and that nobody plans to
go ballistic while anticipating their big day. And - most of us agree
- it is your wedding. But family is forever. Try to include us
in the beginning of yours. |
