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Loving couples: In a world where 40 percent of marriages end in divorce, you
can't help but notice them. There they are,
finishing each other's sentences or laughing in some dusky corner of a Chinese
restaurant. They seem so wonderfully in sync, and they make the work of being a
couple seem effortless. Of course, no intimate relationship ever is, especially
once you factor in life's built-in pressures, like work deadlines, laundry, and
your daughter's orthodontist appointments.
But, says Jane Greer, Ph.D., Redbook Online's resident sex-and-relationships
expert, there are certain core values that make some marriages more intimate and
resilient than others. You could probably predict the list: trust, mutual
respect, commitment, and a strong sense of "we" in the relationship.
What is surprising, experts point out, is that when you ask loving husbands and
wives about the key to their devotion, over and over you'll hear the same
things, specific habits that mirror these values. Learning these secrets can
make your marriage closer too.
1. They use terms of endearment
Sure, you may find it cloyingly sweet when you
overhear other couples talking like 2-year-olds, but endearments are actually a
sign of a healthy rapport.
"Pet names take you back either to the happy childhood you had or the
one you wish you had," says Manhattan-based family therapist Carolyn Perla,
Ph.D. "They signal a safe, supportive environment." Also, these days,
when we're stretched to the limit trying to juggle jobs and kids, "pet
names give us the chance to let down our guard, to be vulnerable and childlike.
And they make us feel close to one another." These same feelings of
intimacy can also come from using a special tone of voice with each other,
sharing silly "inside jokes," or pet-naming your spouse's intimate
body parts. The point is to connect with some private message system that's
meaningful to you alone, as a couple -- not to the outside world. "This
type of playfulness is a statement that you're feeling comfortable with each
other and with the relationship," says Dr. Perla.
2. They do stuff together
When that pheromone-crazy feeling of falling in
love passes and happy couples no longer spend all day in bed, they look outward.
They start businesses, refinish the attic, or take up cooking together.
Of all the variables in a relationship -- from commitment to communication --
the amount of fun couples have together is the strongest factor in determining
their overall marital happiness, according to a landmark study by Howard Markman,
Ph.D., codirector of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University
of Denver. Time spent playing together, says Dr. Markman, is an "investment
in the relationship"; it provides a relaxed intimacy that strengthens the
bond between two people. So even if your life is impossibly frantic, make the
time for play. And do all you can to eliminate distractions. Leave the kids with
a sitter, ditch the beeper and cell phone. The activity doesn't have to be
anything elaborate or costly. Exercising together, browsing in antiques stores,
or renting a classic movie can help bring the two of you closer.
3. When the going gets tough, they don't call Mom or Dad
The first task facing all young couples is
separating from their families of origin, points out San Francisco-area-based
family researcher Judith Wallerstein, Ph.D. This doesn't mean you shouldn't go
home for the holidays. But if there's a crisis over whether to have a second
child or relocate for a new job, or even if there's good news about a big raise
or the results of a medical test, the couple should talk about it together first
before dialing Mom. "You wouldn't believe how many people who are getting
divorced say to me, 'She was never mine,' or 'His mother always came
first,'" Dr. Wallerstein observes.
4. They stay connected to their parents
This doesn't contradict No. 3: You can talk with
your mom every day and still be clear about where your attachment to her ends
and your love for your mate begins.
"Staying connected to parents, siblings, cousins, and the like can be
excellent for a marriage because it gives a sense of family continuity,"
says Dr. Greer. "It generates positive feelings, especially when you
incorporate your spouse into that family. You're sharing that part of you with
each other."
5. They don't nickel-and-dime about chores
It's no secret that most wives continue to do more
in the housekeeping and child-rearing departments than their husbands. Still,
when partners become double-entry bookkeepers, adding up every dish washed and
every diaper changed, they may be headed for trouble.
"Most couples think they should strive for a relationship that's
50-50," observes Dr. Perla, "but the fact is, they should each give
150 percent. In good relationships, couples give everything they can. They don't
nickel-and-dime each other, and they respect that each person gives different
things."
6. They fight constructively
There's fighting and then there's fighting. When
couples start yelling and throwing things, when they dredge up every single
complaint they've ever had (or "kitchen-sinking," as marital experts
typically call it), you can be sure that they won't be celebrating their silver
anniversary together. "Studies show that the way couples handle conflict is
the most important factor in determining whether or not they stay
together," observes Polly Young-Eisendrath, Ph.D., a clinical associate
professor of psychiatry at the University of Vermont. "Happy couples have
learned the art of constructive arguing," says Dr. Markman, whose research
has demonstrated that it's possible to predict whether or not a couple will
divorce after watching them argue for 10 or 15 minutes. In strong marriages, he
says, the partners take control of their disagreements by establishing ground
rules. They may, for example, call a mutually agreed-upon time-out if the
conflict is escalating and unproductive, agreeing to continue the discussion
ater a cooling-off period. They also truly listen to each other and won't
prematurely try to solve the problem before they've heard each other out. Above
all, no matter how angry they get, they don't resort to name-calling and insults
-- key danger signs, says Dr. Markman.
7. They give each other gifts
Couples who are deeply connected often give each
other presents or write little notes, says Thomas Moore, Ph.D., best-selling
author of Care of the Soul. What they're doing is preserving the rituals,
and the magic, of their courtship.
The gift should carry no strings. Sarah sometimes comes home from work to
find that her husband has prepared a candlelight dinner. "But it's not set
up to be a prelude to sex," Sarah says laughingly. "John does it
because he wants me to feel loved."
8. They never lose their sense of humor
Humor, as many psychotherapists have observed, is
the Krazy Glue that keeps a couple together. When a couple can no longer laugh
together, Dr. Moore says, it's a signal that the soul has gone out of their
marriage and they are headed for trouble.
But Dr. Moore is quick to point out that lighthearted couples never mock each
other. They instinctively know what is -- and isn't -- fair game. "Sam
would never dream of making fun of my big butt," notes Catherine.
9. They take "for better or for worse" seriously
Contented couples encounter their share of life's
miseries -- whether it's the car breaking down, a nasty cold, or a missed
promotion -- but they help each other get through. You don't, for example, hear
them say, "How could you let that happen?" when a spouse loses a job.
"Couples who do well together tend not to do anything that increases their
partner's suffering, like become resentful or criticize," notes Dr. Young-Eisendrath.
In good marriages, people feel safe from the outside world. Each spouse,
stresses Dr. Greer, has the feeling, "I can count on you, our world is all
right."
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