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Has rehearsal dinner planning got you befuddled and bewildered? Not to worry.
We've got answers to help you piece together your pre-party puzzle.
Q: What are the rules for the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner? Who comes
and who doesn't? I'd like to spend as much time as possible with visiting
friends and relatives, but I also want the ceremony to remain a
"surprise."
A: There are no rules! The guest list is pretty much up to you -- it can
be as simple as you two, your immediate families, and wedding party and their
spouses and/or significant others. Or, you can make it a bash and invite all
your out-of-town guests. It's a very good opportunity to maximize your quality
time with visiting friends and relatives -- you'll be more relaxed than at the
wedding, and you'll have more time to chat. And don't worry about ruining the
"surprise" for them; they don't come to the actual ceremony rehearsal
-- that's only for the wedding party and your parents. Everyone else joins you
afterward for dinner.
Q: My fiancée's family either has no idea they are supposed to host a
rehearsal dinner, or they just don't care! My parents can't afford it but
suggested I invite everyone to a catered party at my house (my fiancée and I will
pay for it). Aside from their ignorance of wedding stuff, my fiancée's divorced
parents hate each other. Would it be really awful if I did not invite them to
the rehearsal dinner? I'm stressing about whether or not they'll ruin it.
A: It would be awful not to invite them. Remember, no matter who they are
or what they're like, your fiancée's parents will soon be your in-laws. No matter
how horrible you think they'll act, you should start off on the right foot by
inviting them to this party. Trust me, there will be more trouble if you don't
invite them than if you do. Grit your teeth, grin, and bear it. And
it's true that his parents may not realize they're supposed to host the
rehearsal dinner. It's up to you and your fiancée to either bring it up with them
or host the dinner yourselves. The fact that they're divorced and don't get
along may make asking them to host it more trouble than it's worth. Remember,
too, that the rehearsal dinner doesn't have to be a big to-do -- it can be as
simple as a home pizza party or burgers on the backyard grill. Look at it as a
way to kick back before the wedding; concentrate on your family, your fiancée,
and your wedding party (this is a good time to present them with their thank-you
gifts) instead of dwelling on what his parents might do at the event.
Q: I will be hosting more than 45 people at my rehearsal dinner. Would it
be ok to have the dinner at an Italian restaurant/bar/bowling alley? My wedding
is very formal and my in-laws are concerned that they will look cheap, but I
think it would be fun for everyone to get to know each other. What's a good
plan?
A: The rehearsal dinner is the perfect opportunity to let your families
hang out together in a more casual atmosphere. Sometimes, the more formal the
wedding, the less formal the rehearsal dinner should be. It's not tacky at all!
The formal wedding will be nicer and more fun because the key players are
already comfortable with each other. And a casual rehearsal dinner doesn't have
to be unstylish -- you can go to a cool Italian restaurant or popular pizza
joint and have a blast.
Q: Are written invitations mailed for the rehearsal dinner?
A: That depends on your dinner. If it will be a big party with lots of
out-of-town guests in a hotel banquet room or somewhere equally official, then
you should send invitations. They can be either formally engraved or handwritten
on cards, depending on the occasion's formality. You'll also want people to RSVP
so you'll have a head count for the caterer. If your rehearsal dinner will be
fairly low-key, a party at a pizza joint or a barbecue at Mom's house with just
the wedding party, you two and your parents, then you don't really need
"official" invitations. Just make sure everyone knows where they need
to be and when.
Q: I am curious about the etiquette involving toasts at the rehearsal
dinner and the reception. I am the groom and would prefer not to address the
group if I am not obliged (I have enough to worry about already!). Does the
bride generally make a toast nowadays? Also, even if the bride and groom are not
obliged to speak, does the obligation arise once others start making toasts?
A: Here's the deal with rehearsal-dinner toasting: It does vary but
chances are some people will toast you -- your parents, the best man, etc. When
you are toasted, you should definitely rise in thanks, and perhaps make a toast
in return. The bride may also do a toast if she likes. Truthfully, the rehearsal
party is traditionally the groom's and his parents' thing, so you can't just
fade into the woodwork. Don't stress out about it, though. You needn't say
anything earth-shattering -- just thank whoever toasted you, tell your fiancée you love her and can't wait for your day to begin, and thank your parents for
all they've done for you. At the reception, the bride and groom generally do not
respond to toasts, so you're off the hook there. If you get nervous, just
remember -- it's the best man who's expected to be witty, not you!
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