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Now that you've committed to Mr. Right, it's time for the folks who bore two
such fabulous people to mix and mingle: Yes, for better or worse, it's time to
introduce your crazy parents to his. Here are some tips we culled from people in
the know: married couples!
ETIQUETTE SAYS
Traditionally, the groom's parents call the bride's parents first to introduce
themselves and to make plans to meet (it's also completely acceptable for the
bride's parents -- or you two! -- to make the first move). If either or both of
your parents are divorced, the parent(s) that raised each of you should meet
first. If your parents live far apart, one set should send a note of
introduction to convey their excitement at the impending joining of your two
families.
CHOOSING A LOCATION
If your parents live in the same hometown, you can all meet for brunch,
cocktails, or dinner at someone's house or at a moderately priced, fun
restaurant. However, the best way to encourage conversation is for parents to
meet via an interactive meal (a backyard barbecue or clambake, say) or activity
such as canoeing, bowling, or attending a sports event together. This will
supply something to talk about and distract them from any differences they may
have!
If your parents live in different parts of the state or across the country (or
world), make an effort to find a convenient time and place for everyone to meet
before the wedding. If it's absolutely not possible, be sure that everyone
convenes a few days before the wedding to get acquainted. One good way to kick
start relations is to assign them last-minute wedding duties (favors,
decorations) to tackle together.
PRE-MEET PREP
Accept the fact that you can't control what happens after the introductions.
Instead, take steps now to brief the primary players, make a good impression,
and defuse any landmines that may lie ahead.
Forewarn But Don't Flip Out
Everyone has issues or experiences you know to steer clear of. From small
annoyances (one parent hates cigarette smoke, for example) to major issues (his
grandparents are Holocaust survivors or victims), now is the time to share
do-not-go-there subjects with your parents.
In addition, all parents -- and couples -- have their eccentricities. If you
foresee clashing quirks, forewarn those likely to be most sensitive. Be careful
not to exaggerate the situation, as that will bias those involved and give them
ammunition if they're not crazy about your fiancé or the idea of your getting
married (so fast, so young, so whatever). Couch the concern, then let them make
up their own minds.
Have Conversation Topics At the Ready
To bridge awkward silences, stockpile interesting conversational topics for
emergency saves. What do they have in common? What's in the news? Read the paper
for current events (beware political or controversial topics) and make a mental
list of your parents' hobbies, recent trips, or community activities. Think of
things that reveal more about their personalities than their paychecks (so as
not to alienate parents of lesser means).
Set the Ground Rules Before You Go
If you're meeting at a restaurant, be sure everyone understands that each couple
will cover their own share (not split it three ways or down the middle). In
fact, call ahead to choose a restaurant that will do separate checks. Or, bite
the bullet and pick up the tab for everyone. Doing so will eliminate awkward
efforts to treat each other and bitterness when someone orders the most
expensive thing on the menu or downs six martinis.
Kowtow to Miss Manners
Common courtesy mandates that when someone invites you over for dinner, you
bring a gift or contribute to the menu. When parents are meeting parents, pour
on the politeness. Bring a gift, food, or a special sweet treat. Offer to help
finish last-minute prep and to help clean up or clear the dishes. Eat light so
you can go for second helpings and ask for the recipe of something they served
(even if you never plan on making it).
Know Your Cultures
If you're marrying someone from another culture, religion, or race, ask your
fiancé if there are any beliefs or protocol you should know about and/or heed
before this pivotal first meeting of the minds. For example, in Chinese culture,
it is not appropriate to acknowledge stepmothers -- an important tidbit to know
if your fiancé's Chinese parents are meeting dad's new wife!
DON'T FORGET
You can prepare until your eyes pop out, but whatever happens will happen. Here
are some mantras and tips to keep in mind once the food starts flying:
You Are Not Responsible For Them
Parents are adults (too) and you can't tell them what to say or how to act. They
are responsible for their own actions and mistakes.
Have a Sense of Humor
The best defense against disastrous first meetings? Lighten up and keep your
sense of humor cemented firmly in place.
Cut Your Parents Some Slack
Don't sweat it if your dad tries too hard to be funny or your mom fusses over
every little thing: Remember that your parents are very likely nervous about
this meeting. It's not everyday they meet people soon to be permanent (albeit
extended) members of the family!
Steer the Conversation Away From Dangerous Waters
The purpose of this first meeting is simply to get acquainted. This means no
wedding talk -- especially about the budget! -- no white elephants (charged
issues), no political debates, no talk about exes. Remember: This is not the
negotiating table.
Don't Force Them to Click
You'll likely be stunned at how different your parents are! Don't try too hard
to find things they have in common or to show how much they should like each
other. The chemistry may take time, or may never happen. All you can hope for it
that they get along -- many couples don't even enjoy that luxury!
Edit Yourself
No matter how comfortable you are with your parents or with his, remember that
they don't share the same easy rapport with each other (yet). Keep dirty jokes
and personal stories hush hush for now.
Suck It Up
If the evening seems interminable, remember that this may be the only time
you'll have to spend with both sets of parents alone. From here on, other family
members and friends are often included in the mix, easing the pressure
considerably (whew).
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