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Staying Buddies With Your Single Girlfriends
by Sara Anderson |
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No doubt, your gal pals played supportive
roles in the soap opera that was your single life. They paid for the martinis on
dateless nights. They tore up what’s-his-face’s photos after he dumped you
senior year. And they made midnight runs to the drug store when you had a
horrible head cold. But now that you’re married—and your best girlfriends
are still single—maintaining close relationships with them calls for extra
care and attention. "Anything that makes your lives diverge, such as
getting married, challenges the connection between girlfriends," says Sandy
Sheehy, author of
Connecting: The
Enduring Power of Female Friendship (William
Morrow, 2000). "Often a new bride doesn’t realize how important her
girlfriends are until she’s neglected the friendships and has to do repair
work." Here, experts advise how to stay tight with your unmarried
girlfriends—after you say I do .
Don’t be desperate to fix up your single girlfriends
"It’s a generous impulse, but resist it," Sheehy says. If you’re
always playing matchmaker at awkward boy-girl-boy-girl seating-chart dinner
parties, your girlfriends will start to feel like they aren’t worth anything
to you on their own. Don’t worry, if your friend wants to be paired up with
you husband’s new co-worker, she’ll let you know. "Have sizeable
parties instead, inviting both married couples and singles," suggests
Sheehy, "and introduce everyone in a relaxed, casual environment."
Stop talking about your perfect husband
Your girlfriends know how gaga you are over your guy—they witnessed the
whole "dating turned
engagement turned wedding planning period, remember?
Plus, your single friends don’t want to hear how great you have it day in and
day out now that you’re hitched. Instead, focus on the topics that matter
between the two of you--your mutual obsession with roller blading, your
unconditional love for lattes. "If you’re always bragging about your
husband (‘Oh, Roger did this. Oh, Roger is so wonderful.’), it can create
animosity between friends and she won’t want to hang out with you
anymore," says Dr. Gilda Carle, Ph.D., author of several relationship
books, including
He's Not All
That: How To Attract the Good Guys (Cliff
Street Books, 2000). "Remember, your objective is to make sure you’re not
making her feel bad about her single status compared to your married
status."
Bond with your girlfriends away from home
It’s smart to schedule one-on-one time with your girlfriend for the usual
gossiping and griping. Just don’t always do it at your place, because your
friend may feel like a third wheel there—even when your husband's not around.
"Your home has become a married home," says Carle, "and you don’t
want to rub that in the face of your single girlfriend." So take the
opportunity to hit the town and do fun, girly things together like meeting for
manicures or splurging on a new pair of shoes.
Never flaunt your double-income status
Speaking of splurging, if you and your girlfriends are used to spending
Saturdays pouring over sales racks at outlet stores, it’s not a good idea to
suddenly suggest a trip to a designer boutique. "This is especially
important if your husband is very well off financially," Sheehy says.
"Women can feel resentful—like you’re leaving them in the dust."
If you and your tight group of girlfriends have built rock-solid relationships
over burger and fries—not caviar and foie gras—stick to the status quo.
Don’t treat your girlfriend like a backup buddy
Your hubby leaves for an out-of-town business trip, and what’s the first
thing you do? Call your unattached girlfriend and ask her to meet you for dinner
in half an hour because you’re all alone. Do this too often and your friend
will feel like she’s second choice to your man. Instead, schedule routine
"dates" with your girlfriend, and make sure your husband understands
that certain times during the week—say every Tuesday night after work—you’re
going out for a girls-only get-together. "Women have to be aware that
girlfriends give us what our men cannot," Carle says. "Girlfriends are
vital to who we are and what we’re doing in the world."
Make sure your girlfriends know how important they are to
you
And don’t be slow about it—have heart-to-hearts with your pals right
after (if not before) your wedding. In between pina coladas on your honeymoon,
mail postcards to everyone who helped you pull off your big day. Or bring them
back a little something from that South American spa. "Women need to feel
like they are a continuing part of your life," Sheehy says. "Tell them
how you plan to spend time with them one-on-one, and make sure you keep your
word."
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Author Biography
Sara Anderson is a New York-based writer who put together—and pulled off—her
own wedding in the city last year. She’s currently a senior editor at Family
Life magazine. |
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This article originally appeared
here.
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