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"I’ve got four days to break up a wedding, steal the
bride’s fella,
and I haven’t one clue how to do it."
Julia Roberts, maid of honor, in My Best Friend’s
Wedding.
The bridesmaid running off with the groom is something that (hopefully!) only
happens in Hollywood. Nearly every bride, however, has got horror stories of the
ways in which her closest friends threatened to spoil her show. It begs a
compelling question: How well do you really know the people you ask to be in
your wedding’s inner circle?
Once you’ve got the ring, most brides pick their attendants as a reflex
action. Luba Fischer, MFCC, Ph.D., a marriage and family therapist in Westwood,
CA, says this can be a mistake. "Picking a bridesmaid should be a practical
decision, not a romantic one. To avoid stressful situations, be brutally honest
about the personality traits of friends and family. A drama queen in everyday
life is not going to stop being a drama queen for your wedding." So before
you call your oldest pal for her measurements, read on. If she’s like any of
these types of bridesmaids, you may think twice before picking up the phone.
The Love Machine
Forget about love. This potential bridesmaid is looking for sex—and plans to
add another notch to her bridesmaid’s dress at your reception. When a
bridesmaid acts out, sexually or otherwise, try not to take things personally.
"It’s helpful to view the people in your wedding party observationally—almost
like watching a play," Dr. Fischer says. "Detach yourself and
concentrate on the positive aspects of the relationship." But you can also
protect yourself by setting boundaries before potential mishaps occur. Rigid
requests, like a 12-hour vow of celibacy on the big day, are perfectly legal.
The Fashion Faux Pas
Mia*, a 31-year-old Los Angeles writer who was getting married at the end of
April, invited a European friend to be a bridesmaid. Never having been in an
American wedding, the woman wouldn’t buy matching shoes and hinted that she
may show up with funky, dyed hair. There’s always one bridesmaid who sees the
backless sheath you’ve selected as an excuse to get a new tattoo. Be cognizant
of friends who march to the beat of their own drummer. In this case, Dr. Fischer
urges the bride to let go of control issues and have a little faith. Few brides
make it through a wedding without having a "laugh/cringe at your
bridesmaid" moment. In the stress of it all, you may even appreciate the
comic relief.
A Fork in the Road
You’re getting married. She’s not. In addition to being thrilled, your
friend may also feel jealous, lonely and betrayed at the prospect of your new
life. When you first feel the tension, both of you should lay your cards on the
table. "Acknowledging the transitions you are both going through is the way
to keep the lines of communication open," says Dr. Fischer. "Working
through these feelings when they are small will keep the friendship from
suffering larger traumas."
The Misfit
My college roommate, Sue*, never fit in with the rest of my bridesmaids—who
found her to be a love machine, a fashion faux pas and a fork in the road all
rolled into one. I had turned a deaf ear for years as they begged me to end the
friendship—and paid the price with a lot of stress before the wedding. In
addition to other annoyances, Sue called me an hour before the ceremony to see
if I could give her a ride. Since she was 45 minutes away, I told her she’d
have to leave the bride out of it. She was cold to me during the reception, then
ran off with an usher to Atlantic City. The moral of the story? If all your
other friends don’t like someone, listen to them. There is a reason.
Keeping Perspective
You’ve dreamt of your wedding day your entire life. To execute your vision in
a supportive atmosphere, Lara Webb Carrigan, author of
The Best Friend's Guide To Planning A Wedding (Regan Books, 2000), suggests picking a
practical bridesmaid, a funny bridesmaid, a calm bridesmaid and a responsible
bridesmaid. These will be friends and family who are empathetic to your needs—the
type of people who have tissues (and chocolate) on hand without you having to
ask. And Dr. Fischer offers some controversial advice to brides as well:
"Be courageous. If a third of the way through it’s not working out, let
one of your bridesmaids go. This won’t be easy, but long after the wedding’s
over, you may find your friendship intact."
*Names changed
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