This thread has come up several times on alt.wedding, so
here is a summary of the options debated there. An attempt has been made to list
some of the major pros and cons for each one. The thing to remember is that
everyone has their own priorities and sense of what is right for them.
In no particular order:
Wife Takes Husband's Last Name (Jane Smith becomes Jane
Brown when she marries Michael Brown) This is pretty much the tradition here in
the US, everyone's used to it. Some people see it as a sexist tradition smacking
of patriarchal property. Some see this as the easiest way to go. Some people
really like the symbolism of the whole family having the same name. Some women
don't like the idea of losing their own identity. If you chose this, you also
have to decide if the wife is going to be Jane Brown or Mrs. Michael Brown.
(Mrs. Jane Brown implies that she is divorced, although many people do not
follow this rule anymore.) Many people will tell you that this is the One True
Option for religious reasons...you have to decide if their reasons are yours.
The wife has to be sure to change her name on all her documents (drivers
license, credit cards, passport, etc.)
Wife Hyphenates The Two Names (Jane Smith becomes Jane
Smith-Brown). This maintains the woman's name, while adding the husband's. The
wife will have to be very careful to *always* use the hyphenated name. Many
women find that otherwise, their name slowly slips away. Some people find this
overly complicated, others find that the combination is not euphonious. If there
are children there is the option of either hyphenating or using solely the
husband's name for them.
Wife Uses Birth Name as Middle Name (Jane Smith becomes
Jane Smith Brown, with no hyphenation) This avoids what some see as the
awkwardness of hyphenation, while keeping the woman's birth name. Again, the
woman has to be very careful to always say "Jane Smith Brown" when
anyone asks her name. Many women find that their birth name slowly disappears
anyway.
Husband and Wife Keep Their Own Birth Names (Jane Smith
stays Jane Smith) This can lead people to believe you are not married. The issue
of what the children are named remains open. The wife keeps her own identity.
People will call Jane Mrs. Brown unless corrected, and some will not take
correction well, nor remember from time to time. It is important to bear in mind
that there are many possible attitudes you can take when people refer to Jane
Smith as "Mrs. Brown". Some people think of "Mrs. Brown" or
"Mrs. Michael Brown" as a title, meaning "wife of Mr. Michael
Brown", and are not offended. Others think of it as a title, but are
offended by the notion of being identified as someone's wife, rather than as
their own person. Still others think of it as a name, and are therefore annoyed
at being called by the wrong name. This approach has several advantages, among
them the fact that no one has to change their name on all their documents and
identification, and that if one spouse should die or the couple gets divorced,
there is no concern about whether r not to retain the married name. This factor
is particularly important for people who have established a professional
reputation while married, which makes it more difficult to change their name
when they are no longer married.
Wife takes Husband's Name Socially, Keeps Own Name
Professionally (Jane Smith is Jane Smith at work, but Jane Brown otherwise)
This is a very traditional option for a woman who has a professional reputation,
but wishes to share her husband's name outside of the professional world.
Usually, a woman who uses this option will change her name legally, use it when
enrolling the children in school, etc. but will continue to publish papers,
perform, etc. under her original name. For simplicity, it might be a good idea
to retain her original name in her legal name, either as a middle name or
hyphenated, in case work-related situations arose in which she needed her legal
identification to match her work name.
Husband takes Wife's Name (Michael Brown becomes
Michael Smith) This is fairly rare, but not unheard of. Reasons range from the
husband simply not liking his name, to the wife feeling more strongly about her
name, to wanting to make a socio-political statement. In some states the man has
to legally change his name and pay the fee to do that, separately from the
marriage procedures. His family may react badly --women's families are often
braced for their daughter taking on a new name, whereas men's families rarely
expect it. There may be some confusion at first, but generally people will get
used to it. This does maintain the single-name family.
Husband and Wife Both Hyphenate (Jane and Michael
become The Smith-Browns) Again, check your state laws about the man changing his
name. Both partners must be careful to always use the hyphenation. Maintains the
single-name family, while using both names. Some people are concerned that the
children will then have to decide what to do about their names when they get
married. On the other hand, if they are old enough to get married, they are
probably old enough to make their own decisions about their names. When the time
comes, it might be helpful to emphasize to the children that no matter what they
choose, you will not be offended if they end up deciding not to carry your birth
name into their married name.
Husband and Wife take Each Other's Names as Middle Names
(Jane becomes Jane Brown Smith, Michael becomes Michael Smith Brown) - last
names are still different, but there is the symbolism of having taken each other
as part of themselves. Most people will probably never realize this, unless the
couple makes a point of always using their full names.
Husband and Wife Pick a New Name - This can be a
combination of their two birth names (Jane and Michael become the Briths or the
Smowns), a jumbling of the letters of both names to make a new name (I can't
think of a good one from my example, but I have seen this done), or an entirely
new name that either has significance to the couple, or that they just like with
their first names. This avoids the whole issue of whose name to take and who is
going to change their birth name, maintains the single-name family, and puts
both partners through the name-changing hassle. However, families may be
offended.
Whatever the couple chooses, let me suggest At Home Cards.
These are small cards that can be enclosed in the invitation or in the wedding
program (I've seen both), which say "Bride's Married Name and Groom's
Married Name will be at home at Address after Date." These are useful in a
number of different ways, as they advise the wedding guests what the couples'
new names will be, where they are living after the wedding, and when they will
be back from the honeymoon. They fell out of use for a long time, but I have
noticed them making a comeback and approve wholeheartedly.
